Friday, April 24, 2009

a possible insight into it all?

I'm not sure where to even begin or even if this is the right place to be writing. I started on a piece of notebook paper but figured that I can type much faster than I can write...and when I should be doing homework, it's probably the smartest way to do it.
I have had so much going on lately and I notice more and more as the months go on that I'm internalizing so much and am not as outgoing as I used to be. I think it's because trust has become such an issue over the last months and year or so that maybe I'm just a bit more careful with whom I share things with. Sometimes, it's just easier not to share at all. This blog isn't out there to too many people, especially to those I see and interact with everyday...which is why I'm posting get my thoughts out without worrying about who sees...maybe once I write them, I can begin to process them and go forward.

It was brought to my attention today at lunch with a very close friend that we are in very much the same boat on a personal/relationship-type level. We both have been in the relationship that we knew we would spend the rest of our lives with...the one that was to be our forever...THE one..we gave it all...put everything we had into the relationship that we had physically and emotionally and spiritually and in every other aspect we can think of. ...only to have it slip away. Maybe "slip away" is the wrong term...but it ended just the same. and we fought..and we cried and tried and hoped and prayed....but yet in the was truly that, the end and time to go our separate ways. And so we did. both of us. But as we talk each day and experience different things in our lives, it's like we are living the same situation. Trying to move on w/ someone that can be completely good for each of us individually....yet it doesn't work because we are still just worn down and exhausted and even angry at times that we don't have anything left to give this new person. We get annoyed at the new person for the stupidest things...because it should be someone else. There's a difference there ... I'm in a relationship with a new person and she has the potential yet can't make that step. Regardless, at times we act and react in ways that we shouldn't, if you would take away everything else that we've been through.

So how do we get past this? I thought I was over the last relationship and had come to terms with the fact that it's over and "everything happens for a reason"....but with today's lunch talk, it appears I'm not over "having it all" even if I'm over the "ex". It's like I'm hoping and wishing to find it over again and doing what I can for this one to be the right one. Each day I think about what it is in life that I want...the house, the family, the loving partner and children....but have I truly given myself the time to heal and reconnect with myself on a much deeper level? I'm sure I know the answer......and I do.....but it's hard to face the reality. Steps I've taken to move forward will prove to make taking time out for myself to reconnect to "me" more difficult....

...all I know is there's got to be a way. and finally, after much heartache and hurt and confusion and pain, I'm reaching out to a professional....and I'm definitely not ashamed. it's a crazy and intense world we live in now...with many different struggles thrown at us each and every's time for me to get a grasp on my life and all that's in it and start on the healing path to happiness, the kind that I know i deserve.

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